a reason to live
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Yue thinks about past memories of Clow and Touya.


**Fandom: Card Captor Sakura  
Title: a reason to live.  
Pairing: Clow + Yue, Touya + Yue/Yuki  
Description: Yue thinks about past memories of Clow and Touya.**

**Disclaimer: Card Captor Sakura and ****"****Save me****"**** don****'****t belong to me.  
**  
As we were passing a music store, they were playing something called "Eurobeat". I was becoming accustomed to this age's fast-paced music, but even though I could not totally comprehend the attraction of this type of music except for its fast tempo, I couldn't help but feel attracted to the woman singing.

"…with you and me together,  
I can't say goodbye to you, you were my world  
Baby, you killed me in a moment with a knife and a  
rose in your smile  
Please-

Save me!  
Baby, I need you,  
Please save me now!  
I don't believe you want to leave me alone  
'Cos baby I can't survive  
You got to keep me alive  
So, baby, save me!  
I need your love to keep my faith and be strong  
Now we can try again to get along  
'Cos baby I can't survive  
Please baby save me."

"Yuki? You okay?" Touya asked me as I found myself standing there, looking longingly at the entrance of the music shop, not knowing what to do. Almost as if I were distressed for no apparent reason.  
I turned my head to give him a reassuring smile. "Yes. I guess I liked the song."  
Then, I nodded my head and we resumed walking.

For a moment, I glanced up at the clear blue sky above us, looking for an answer. I almost thought I saw him smiling down at me.

Playfully, affectionately.

And, without unredeemed mercy.

**a reason to live.  
by miyamoto yui**

"Yue, why do have that kind of face?" Kerberos asked me as he crossed his paws and laid his head upon them.  
As he settled onto the grass, he looked at me with a concerned face while I leaned my back against a large tree in the garden. I blinked my eyes and glanced at him, thinking how my face should have been quite unreadable. Or so I had thought.  
Then again, maybe I was too honest for my own good and thought about too many things that instead of saying what was truly going through my head, it came out in a minimal response. It was maybe because I was too overwhelmed by things happening all at the same time.

Staring at him with indifferent eyes, all I could answer was, "Don't I always have this kind of face?"  
"Geh." He gave me a face with an exaggerated frown.  
"Why do you have to be serious almost all the time? I was just saying that you looked worried over something."

I didn't say anything.

He shrugged his shoulders. I turned my eyes away as he closed his to take a nap. "Well, I'll be going to sleep right now. Don't think too much, Yue. You get really moody afterwards."  
I simply replied, "Ah."

I lifted my right knee up and placed my right wrist on it. Stretching out my left leg before me, I sighed as I pushed my head onto the trunk of the tree to look up to the branches with the soft rays of the afternoon sun trying to peak through the clump of intertwining leaves.

Yes, I was grateful that I was able to come into the world. Through someone's imagination, love, effort, magic, and passion, I, like all the other cards, was able to hold a breath of life in this side of reality. We are able to be put into this type of existence. Even if it was difficult to understand why humans did what they did, for various reasons, we were still privileged to live here and in our forms, aesthetic as they are. This is extremely difficult, creative, and imaginative.  
I remembered the first time I looked into my master's eyes. I felt strange, but he looked at me as if I had always been there deep inside of him. Somewhere in his heart, I had already existed. That's what I saw when I was "born".  
I'm sure the others felt this way to some extent.

But there were many things to learn when you were able to live. You had to learn the ways of the world and the environment. There were so many different kinds of people from different cultures and countries.  
Above all this, however, what I found most difficult were not the external challenges, but the ones that were internal. Emotions, feelings…whatever you'd like to describe them as. Whatever name you've given it, these were the things that were the most strenuous among everything I had to experience.

Kerberos seemed to have a knack for it, but for myself, I felt like a wall. A white wall.

There were a few times when I would idly stare at myself to analyze how I looked and how I acted. Of course, I couldn't learn this alone. I couldn't see how I really was without Kerberos or Clow.

I didn't even know how to truly smile, except to slightly curve my lips upward with an amused expression on my face. I somewhat envied Kerberos for his animated nature. It was quite troublesome for me, but one cannot practice these things…

What wouldn't stop crossing my mind was a woman we had met in Hong Kong. She was a great magician with much potential, but she was human. And when Clow gave her a hairpiece, I found myself very gloomy.  
Somehow, the heart that was so light before could not contain the weight of its jealousy or uneasiness with this action. I tried to understand what this truly was. Was this the result of Clow paying attention to someone else besides us?  
My response seemed so illogical. I couldn't understand myself.

And how could I think that way when all he did was create us and take care of us in our existence? Maybe I was learning what it meant to be selfish, but no, I knew that wasn't it at all.

As I remembered that woman's beautiful face looking intently at him with such gratitude and adoration, I found myself thinking that I wanted to be human. It was a foolish reverie that flashed through my head, but I remembered thinking that at that exact moment in time.

I didn't think it was all that wonderful to be an imperfect human when I had a certain kind of immortality. But when I thought about it, the more it became attractive to me. If I were human, would I have understood the situation better? They could feel all sorts of things and travel to wherever they wanted, in many different planes, from the mind to the soul.

Humans could live and they could die.

And with this thought, I had come to terms with Clow's mortality. I tried to ignore it, but it greatly saddened me. Was I taking things for granted?

In this sense, days went faster than they usually did and everything around me became slightly tarnished. However, I began to see how humans could count things as "precious" because of their limited time duration.

But most of all, I wanted to ask him, "What am I-"

"Yue."

A bit startled, I stopped looking up at the branches and switched the direction of my gaze to stare into Clow's handsome face. He grinned down at me enigmatically as he placed his hand on my left shoulder.

"It seems that something is preoccupying your mind these days."  
Not denying this claim, I nodded my head. "There are many things to analyze. That's why."  
"Such as…?" His hand moved from my shoulder and onto my chin, holding it up so that he could look at me more closely.

I found myself a bit flustered but I knew my face was as unemotional as ever. I didn't know what to answer because there were too many things on my mind, but I also was faced with the fact that if I didn't answer, then it would have been too suspicious on my part.  
And so, calmly, I replied with the first clear thought in my head, "I was just thinking that humans seem to take for granted that they can feel things."

Then, he opened his eyes as gave me a concerned face. In the next moment, he gave me a gentle look and my eyes averted themselves away from it. I looked down at the grass before me.  
"Why do you suppose that is?"  
"People can't see what they don't know. They can't live without what they're born with. Nor can they ignore it all together."

He still held onto my chin, but he lifted it up a bit.

I still couldn't look into his eyes, but I knew he wasn't going to answer me unless I did so. So, I slowly lifted my gaze from the grass to his clothes, up his chest, and into his face once more.

"Yes, that's very true. But you must remember, Yue, humans didn't choose to have these feelings. They are privileged with these things. But just as much, there are many types and kinds of responsibilities because of the existence of these emotions within human life."

Then, he took his finger away from my chin and sat on the other side, opposite me, of the tree and leaned his back on it. I closed my eyes to take a nap, but also to remember his response and the feel of his touch.

The cards...  
We try our best to feel so much, but it is so overwhelming.

Finally, I too took a nap.

That night, while Kerberos went to bed, in the moonlight, Clow had to give me my bath. Because I couldn't clean my own wings, he personally gave me baths, as he did with Kerberos. Kerberos should have come with us, but he was so happy from the desserts from dinner that he immediately fell asleep. So, we transferred ourselves to some lake in the forest. I took off my robes and wore a towel over my waist. Then I began to scrub myself in the water.

Gently, Clow rubbed on my wings with water.

For some reason, when we were supposed to be immersed in conversation by then, we were just peacefully enjoying each other's presence. I felt very warm inside because of it.

"Yue, why were you thinking of those things earlier? I'm curious as to why you were analyzing something of that nature."

Splish, splash. The water dripped onto the lake once more as a new kind of silence ran through both of us.

As I put the sponge into the water, I stopped moving all together. I took a deep breath. I couldn't turn my head, and nor did I have the courage to at this moment. Then, I found myself asking, "Why…why did you create us?"  
"I made you for a number of reasons, but overall, it was to make certain dreams come true. It took many years of contemplation and planning to make each individual card. But for you and Kerberos, I had to take extra precautions. I made you two with the most of everything imaginable."

I didn't resume scrubbing, but he continued to caress my wings in the middle of the lake even though I knew his clothes always got wet this way. He never seemed to mind. He always smiled, as if it were a delight rather than a chore to be done quite often.

"Please don't think I am being disrespectful. It isn't that at all." I clenched my fists and it was then that I learned the force behind the meaning of weakness. What it meant to be faced with a limit beyond your control, no matter what you did to overcome it.  
I continued, "I want to know why you made me in this form. I am neither an angel and nor am I human. I resemble the fusion of both of these things, and yet I am confused as to what exactly I am. And, I am even more perplexed as to why, of all the cards you made, I was created like this."

I looked down at the lake. I didn't know how to cry, but if I could have, I would have done so at that particular moment.

Drip, drip went the water onto the lake, disturbing the stillness of the night and the tension between us.

"And even though I am like this, of all the cards, I am the one that can't express myself clearly. Do you not find that ironic, Clow?"

At that moment, Clow stopped washing my wings. He came a bit closer, until he was in back of me.  
Putting his hand into the water, he took a hold of my right hand, which held the sponge. Then, from behind me, he began to scrub my body lovingly and with much care. I blushed a bit.

"Yue, don't you know that above all the cards, you're the one who's the most emotional?"

I opened my eyes, shocked.

"You're one of the guardians. You and Kerberos have the heaviest duties, and so the cards respect and care for you so much. You return this to them also." Then, he wrapped his arms over my wet chest as he pressed his lips on my neck. I closed my eyes as he held me tighter. "But Yue, don't you know that because you are in this form, you're able to feel everything that this world has to offer? The other cards can only come out for a short period of time, but you are free to do as you like."

It was then that, for the first time in my life, I felt myself smiling. Widely, my lips touched from ear to ear. I felt very peaceful. The tranquility around us finally penetrated into both of our beings.

We stayed that way for a while.

I had heard the word so many times, but I never knew what it felt like. I didn't know its true significance within the human heart. Not until he held me that way.

This unkind and wonderful word called "love".  
**  
+/+/+/+/+/**

When Clow "died", I always searched for him. Maybe until now, I am still guilty of this longing. And so, in my grief, even with all the complications of memories and such, I found myself pushing through the human existence as that of "Yukito". It was very draining, but I wanted to take this chance that I did not have the first time. I wanted to do everything that I felt that I couldn't have done before.  
I wanted to be ordinary and to lead a "normal" life. Even if it was in this unstable way, I wanted to live in this manner.

I was "free" in a sense.

Yet, I didn't know that I was still searching for that feeling that had been lost when Clow died. His memory left me bittersweet, and yet I could do nothing about the sadness that encroached me. As a form of "forgetting", the more I would use this form of Yukito.

I wanted to see how Clow saw and felt the world. I wanted to see what it meant to have a body and "existence" that was more permanent, where others knew that you lived except when you came in and out of the magic of cards.

And that's how Touya came to me.

When I suddenly had a headache, I clumsily dropped a bunch of papers in the hallway and he helped me picked them up. The more we talked and spent time together, I started to understand something that I hadn't before.

I enjoyed Sakura and I cared for her, but my affections for Touya were much deeper.

Late at night, when he was coming home from a job, I found him going home by bike. And when I was about turn the corner, he leaned forward to kiss me. I was in such a stage of surprise that I didn't know what to do in this type of situation. He looked away with an embarrassed face while putting his hand in the back of his head. "Yuki…"

But he didn't finish his sentence as he shook his head. "Never mind."

He was a person who didn't say very much unless it was important. He was like Clow that way, but as he peddled away, I watched his body become smaller and smaller. Afterwards, I went into the house, trying to understand this intenseness that ran through me.

This feeling that was the same, yet different, and rivaled that of the care I felt for Clow.

I was scared though. I wanted to stay in this form. I liked my life as Yukito.

It hurt me and made me so sad to the point of tears once I realized the mortality of this form. That maybe someday, I as Yukito would cease to exist.

And I was going to desperately fight for that not to happen. Not now.

Not while I've found a reason for existing this time 'round.

**+/+/+/+/+/**

Unable to go to sleep with the moonlight shining above me, I went out of my house and flew over to Sakura's. I didn't visit her, though. I visited Touya.

Maybe he felt my presence all this time, but maybe it was because I would often visit him like this. I would come up to his window and peer in to catch a glimpse of his sleeping face. I feared the day I would lose this person.  
I would lose him because of the war within myself.

But now, I don't have to worry.

As I was about to go back to my home, Touya opened his window. "Is there something you need?"  
I looked into his eyes and shook my head with a smile on my face.

Yes, you must think I'm strange like this. I never used to do superfluous things just because I felt like it.  
He reached out to touch my cheek. "Are you sure? Nothing wrong?"  
"Yes, I'm sure. There's nothing wrong."  
He closed his eyes briefly and nodded at me. "If you say so."  
Then, he let go of me.

I was going to really turn around this time, but he grabbed my sleeved and tugged on it while saying, "Yu."  
"Yes?" While carefully watching his face, he deeply gazed at me. "Thanks for visiting me then."

When he let go of me, I reached out to him and pulled his face between my hands and kissed him. It was the first time I kissed him in this form.

He gave me a dazed look, almost not believing what I had done.  
I continued to smile at him and then, I turned around and left.

As I flew back, I remembered the time when we were at the local park and I gave him an exasperated face with my glasses wanting to slip off of my nose. I stepped forward and shouted at Touya for the first time in my life, "This isn't going to work!"  
It was in a loud, painful whisper that went through the soft breeze of the crisp night.

He held onto my jacket with his hand and forced me to stare into his eyes. With such quiet intensity, I became faced with the strength that made me so attracted him. "Yuki. It doesn't matter. Wherever you came from, whatever you're going to do, you are the Yuki that I know. And I believe in that person.  
Then, now, and in the future."

"Touya…" I shook my head. "Please understand that this is just too impossible."  
"What's impossible? Tell me something that isn't strange about my life?" He closed his eyes in frustration. Then he opened them again and pulled me closer. "Don't you understand? I don't care about wherever you came from. You're here, aren't you?"  
Then, he smiled at me as he began to laugh. "I'll feed you whatever you want to eat, no matter how much. I'll even-"

From the bottom of my heart, I began to laugh. I blinked at him, but I found myself laughing at him with such enjoyment because I was so touched.

"Why are you laughing?" he asked me. "I'm serious."  
"I know." I looked at him calmly and smiled. "I know that very well."

If I didn't, I wouldn't have been able to smile from the bottom of my heart and the deepest corners of my soul whenever I was around you. You made me realize what it meant to _feel_ and _be_ human...

with all its sorrowful and happy moments.

He touched my forehead with his and cupped the back of my neck with his warm hand. "I knew from the start what I was getting into. I didn't know exactly what I would have to face, but I knew one thing was for sure:

I wanted all of you. Every part of you, Yuki…  
…even if I don't learn everything until the day we die.

That's all right, as long as you are here with me."

**Owari. / The End.**

**Author****'****s note:** Again, I must say that I'm really on the worst bout of writer's block, but somehow, this popped into my head. I thought about it all day and it bloomed in images throughout the day.  
I just hope to God that I executed this properly. ^^;;; It is because I love Yue a lot. (Touya and Li are tied for first place for favorites in CCS, and overall in Clamp titles.) To me, Yue is very delicate and I guess the attraction that I have towards this character is his fragileness. I admire him because he is always weak and strong at the same time, like Subaru.

~Oh, off topic, if you're the Tsubasa cosplayers from Anime Expo's 2004 Masquerade (both groups), I think you all rock! (That's what inspired me to write "kaeru", so thank you!) * wince * The Li-kun from the "messed up fairy tale" cosplayer group was a hottie. I so wanted to glomp him!~ (Okee, him, a certain Cloud, and a certain Ryuichi cosplayer.)

**July 13, 2004**


End file.
